Sunday, November 18, 2012

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

Finn stayed in nursery all by himself again today. I spent most of my time walking Mason up and down the hall, but let's face it. Mason wasn't fussy; I just had to peer into the window to spy on my little man. He did so great. Cried once or twice, only to be easily soothed by the sweet nursery leaders we have.

So Finn loves nursery. It's so great. He's becoming independent- that's what I've been trying to teach him from day one, right? Then why did I cry like a baby tonight after putting my sweet big boy to bed? I was sitting here tonight and it hit me like a freight train; the sickening, awful truth: my babies are going to grow up. One day he won't need me any more; at least not the way he does now. There are moments when the sheer knowledge of that fact takes my breath away. It makes my heart nearly stop. I want to hold my boys and lock ourselves in the pantry, away from time and change.

But then I think back on my life, and all of the beautiful, happy, wonderful experiences I've had. And how grateful I am to my parents for enabling me to experience life. And I think how incredibly filled with joy I am at the thought of giving that gift to my sweet boys. Although I am truly the one receiving the gift; being able to watch them grow; watch them assert themselves, form opinions, discovery things. I will watch them love, watch them be kind, watch them change the world.

But for now I am content to squeeze them every day. To watch Finn tickle Mason and give him kisses. Listen to Mason coo and giggle, trying to roll over only to get stuck on his arm. I'm happy to clean up all of Finn's peas that he's thrown on the kitchen floor, to clean up milk for the 17th time in one day, to lose so many hours of sleep. Some day Ill sleep soundly, only to wake up with a yearning for my little boy to hold out his arms and want nothing but to be held by his momma.

I love these little boys more than life itself. If the world could truly see their beauty, I'm pretty sure it would stop spinning for a moment. And maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing; an extra day with my babies. I'd take it.

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