Working Things Out

After finishing a nice workout this evening, I started having some thoughts. Obviously, I figured I should enlighten the facebook world with a cute little status about my thoughts. I mean, what good are our thoughts if they don't end up on facebook or instagram or twitter, right?? Well, my thoughts started getting too long and elaborate, so here they are in a blog post.

Working out is awesome. I mean, really awesome. Now, now now, don't start with the nay saying-yes, you. I hear you piping up about how working out is only fun for super fit, cute chics who also love eating celery sticks and think the low-fat popcorn is a special treat. But seriously, it's not like that. Let me tell you why.

I've always considered myself in a sort of in-between category as far as weight goes. I've always been active in sports and I've taken up running since I graduated high school 7 years ago (whoa, starting to feel old). I've pretty much always been trying to lose 5 or 10 pounds, like lots of women. In other words, I don't have the super model, 1% body type. But I've never struggled with my weight as far as being morbidly obese or it being a health concern, etc. I probably never will. I lucked out with good genes in that arena. Where I didn't luck out? The mental health department. I've got a bunch of crazies in my family as far back as you can go (and I say that with love- wouldn't trade 'em for anything). But seriously. Suicide, depression, bipolar; you name it, it's in my family. And severe cases too. Needless to say, I'm always on the lookout for depression symptoms.

I've been lucky enough to sort of dodge the bullet and never struggle with clinical depression, while most of my immediate family has at some point. However, after my second child was born last August, I got a small glimpse of what that world must be like.

Looking back now, I realize I was clearly suffering from some post-partum depression. Nothing major, but I was definitely not myself. There were moments when I should have been overwhelmed with joy, but instead I just wanted to cry. More often than the crying emotion, I really wanted to smack someone. Particularly my husband. And if you know him or have ever even met him, you'd know that you had to be a little crazy to be annoyed at him at all. He's the nicest, most easy going, easiest person to get along with that I've ever known. That's when I knew something might be a little off. I mean, he'd say the wrong thing and I kinda wanted to smack him with the frying pan. Then maybe myself. I uttered many curse words under my breath that I know my parents would be ashamed of me for even thinking. I felt so overwhelmed with my kids that I couldn't just enjoy the small moments in those first few weeks and months. I've always been an emotional eater, and things got bad for a little while there. One day I actually ate almost an entire cake (Gideon's birthday cake, actually. . .) while Gideon was at work. And not just any cake-the kind filled with sweetened condensed milk and caramel sauce, topped with whipped cream and heath bars. Yeah. When he came home to one small piece left that I had mustered the self control to save for him, I broke down sobbing, mumbling something about being a fat pig between slobbery bursts of tears.

Yep. It was a great time, those first few weeks after giving birth. Thank you, hormones. Needless to say, I started talking with Gideon about solutions to my not so pleasant demeanor. Now remember my background with depression; I know the drill with this stuff. I've got a whole network of people who know all of the mental health professionals that are top rated in the country, know all the best medications for specific issues, all the herbal supplements, etc. But . . .

---------------HANG IN THERE, HERE COMES THE POINT OF THIS POST YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR---------------------

We both decided that what I needed first and foremost was some "me" time. My favorite "me" time? Running. I love it. It's always been my de-stressor. In high school I actually fractured my foot after a 6 mile run prompted by some boy drama. Totally worth it. Anyways, I got a membership to a gym and started running a few times a week. 

And let me tell you, wow. I had forgotten the emotional benefits of those natural endorphins. For any of you who don't know, when you exercise, your body naturally produces "feel good" endorphins. You can google the topic and find out all the specific info and terms that I can't remember, but it's awesome. This term also has another nickname, the "runner's high." These endorphins aren't just a silly little wives tale. Getting back into the workout mode seriously changed my life after my son was born. I came home a totally different person after my workouts. Partly from having some alone time out of the house, but mostly from the exercise. I swear by it. Gideon noticed a change in my mood almost immediately, and would always offer to watch the kids so I could go run. If I missed more than a day, he'd kindly suggest I go to the gym. He liked me so much better when I had worked out (got him to admit it)

Eventually my hormones leveled off and I felt myself again, but exercising got me through that hard phase when I was so out of whack. I really actually believe that my exercise regime was the catalyst for my hormones to get back into gear, and for me to start feeling myself again. 

I want to tell every mother out there, every person struggling with depression or who is just having a bad day, to get moving and see how much  better you can feel. And you don't have to run. It can be anything. My knees started giving me a lot of trouble, so I alternate running with a Jillian Michaels DVD that uses small weights and mixes strength training with cardio. It's 20 minutes long, but it changes my whole day around. That's what prompted this whole post. Feeling homesick and a little depressed, I probably ate my weight in Hershey's Kisses today (I told you, emotional eater. That's another post for another day). But after I put the little one to bed, I got on my tennis shoes and busted out some Jillian (which, by the way, Finn loves and does the entire DVD with me. It's to die for cute). And low and behold, the world was  a brighter place, my kids were cuter, my husband funnier, my apartment almost bigger. I may not ever be the perfect weight or have a six pack, but I always love the most important results from working out: a much happier me. :)

**Disclaimer: I realize that for a lot of people, a good workout just doesn't cut it. In lots of cases, nothing takes care of depression like some good ol' fashioned pills. I'm all for that. I'm not one of those people who thinks you can pray yourself better from depression or just run off the stress and then you won't be sad any more. Not at all. But there are a lot of people like me, who start thinking, "maybe I'm depressed?" So before seeking out pills, try getting active and put away the chocolate (speaking from personal experience here). You might just change your life in a way you never thought possible. 

Happy Birthday Eve Baby

This time two years ago, I was starting to feel some major contractions. My heart raced with the thought of meeting my first born son in just a few hours. I didn't know how short it would be. It was painful and fast, like a freight train. And it was beautiful. Two spirits in total harmony (despite what you might think from the screaming involved) as a darling little child of the Almighty God graced the earth with his arrival. I was the lucky one who got to be this sweet boy's mother. I received him into my arms that day and I felt the world change. My world. His daddy's world. And the world of those we have yet to meet, those who's lives will be touched by his graceful and thoughtful ways. Oh he's all boy, that one, wild and silly and mischievous. But oh, the love that one has. I fear his little heart might burst from all the sweet love he's been giving out for two years now. But it just keeps on pumping, keeps on giving. It amazes me. He has a mind of his own, but usually that little mind likes to tell him to give his mommy kisses, to play with his baby brother and hug him to death. To love his daddy like there's no tomorrow. THAT he does oh so well. We have tender moments when all he needs is me, but on the whole, this little man is a total daddy's boy. There are so many things I want to say about this absolutely outstanding little two year old, but no words could do justice to the sweet pint size love of my life. He was my first; my initiation into motherhood. He led me down the path to loving another human being almost more than physically possible. I can't fight the tears at the thought of him growing older, stronger, farther away from me; and yet I can't stop the joy from creeping over me as I watch the amazing person he is becoming. Full of love and life and his very own ideas, thoughts, desires. I am so blessed to walk beside him on his journey here, and hopefully be able to hold him when he needs love, encourage him when he needs strength, and free him when he needs to fly. I love you, my beautiful Finneas Adam. You've made my life worth living and I don't know how I ever breathed or existed before you ran up and down the halls, straight into my heart. Be mine forever, won't you? Ill always be yours. Xoxo, your momma

New Adventures

Well I suppose I'd better blog about the biggest news we've had since Mason was born: Gideon is graduating in April (walking in April, technically won't have his diploma until August)! He will have his Bachelor's in Actuarial Science. The last few months he's been interviewing like crazy with a few different companies for summer internships. He applied to literally about 25 different companies; every actuarial internship that was available for the summer in the US, you can bet Gideon applied for it. He must have spent hours and hours filling out applications.

He got turned down after a few interviews for a company called Mercer in their Seattle office. We were pretty bummed. Then over Christmas he interviewed for another company in Seattle/Portland. Got turned down again. One day he got a phone call from one of the random online jobs he'd applied for; the company, called Munich Re, was in Atlanta. We had never heard of the company, and it was so far away, so we kind of thought "eh, nothing's gonna come of it." But he interviewed on the phone a few times and they kept saying how impressed they were with him. They were also so great on the phone, friendly, personal, really treating Gideon like a person instead of just a number or a nobody. During this time, he was also interviewing via phone with Liberty Mutual, in Seattle. Eventually both companies decided to fly him out to do a final day of interviewing to make their decision. So he went to Atlanta one week, then a week later he flew to Seattle. After doing his research, we found out that the company in Atlanta, Munich Re (aka MARC LIFE), is the United States branch of the biggest Re-Insurance company in the world (Re-Insurance means that they insure commercial insurance companies. It's kind of complicated). They have some 50,000 employees world wide, and only about 260 employees in the US. Gideon's professor told him that it's pretty rare to get to work in re-insurance right out of school and that it was an awesome opportunity. Combine this with the fact that he was really impressed with how put together and nice everyone was when he went to interview, and we found ourselves crossing our fingers for Georgia (plus it's been so snowy here and Georgia is warm. I'm sure I'll be complaining about the humidity and heat in 6 months). And it ended up that they called and offered him the position with a near guarantee of a full time position afterwords, all before he even went to interview for Liberty Mutual. We were waiting to say anything in case he loved Liberty Mutual and got offered that position as well, but overall he was really put off by his experience in Seattle. The city itself is awesome, but the people and the opportunities couldn't hold a candle to the Atlanta job.

So, the point of this long boring story, is that we are headed to Atlanta, Georgia at the end of April. (April 29th is our exact move date). We are a little scared to be going so far away from our family and of course sad for the same reason. But, at the same time, we are beyond excited. The opportunity is an amazing one; we wouldn't head so far away unless it was. Plus Gideon's office is actually right outside of the city, making his commute so much more manageable than if he took a job in the middle of the city (most other actuary jobs are). So that's a plus. We are pretty stressed with the expenses of moving, trying to find a place to live without being able to go visit, and facing the 5 day drive to Atlanta. But really, we are so excited and we feel so blessed. We are excited to embark on a whole new exciting adventure! We've heard great things about the city we're moving to and we think it will be a great place for our family for at least the next few years. We really feel like we have been able to see the Lord's hand in the way everything has worked out, and we are just so grateful to have a good job and to be done with school.

See ya later, January.

We've had quite an eventful few weeks around here. I guess it's our way of kicking off 2013 with a bang.

First, Finn took a spill (slipped on a toy guitar) a few weeks ago and landed weird on his foot. After an hour of him not walking on it and screaming like crazy, I called Gideon and had him come home from school so we could take Finn to the urgent care. We went to the one down the street from our house, which we've visited before and had a good experience. Well, after spending two hours there, we finally left after I yelled at everyone for how horrible they treated my son. The PA we saw was SO rude. He walked into the room and didn't say one word, no introduction, no acknowledgement Finn or the fact that he was in pain. He mumbled was so rude and so rough in his examination with Finn. He didn't inform us of anything that was going on or seem to care at all about my poor little guy. So we waited for an x-ray tech to arrive (they are "on call"), and finally he got there. But he was also very rude, super rough with Finn, and to top it off, he had Gideon actually operate the x-ray machine, while holding Mason!! I was furious. Looking back I should have left right then, but Finn was screaming on the x-ray table and we'd already got one shot and I just wanted to get it over. After the second shot didn't work, I told him we were leaving and that it was absolutely ridiculous that he had my husband operate the machine. He tried to argue with me about that, which if any of you know me, you know that was a big mistake. Lucky for him my two children were present so I kept my temper under control. Of course though, after yelling at him and then having to tell the nurses in the office why we were leaving, I was being all "tough and assertive" while trying not to cry, so my mouth started doing that awkward not-quite-crying-quiver. And my voice cracked. And I was shaking. But we stormed out of that place and I've never been more proud of myself. Something about being a mother makes you not afraid to hurt anyone's feelings or seem crazy when it comes to your kids. Except I wasn't rude or crazy at all. How do I know? We went up to American Fork hospital with Finn and they were amazing. A completely different experience. And when we told them about our experience at the Urgent Care, they were just as blown away as we were.

But finally, poor Finn made it through another set of x-rays and they determined it wasn't broken. They said to redo the x-ray in a week if he still wasn't walking on it. The poor guy crawled around crying saying "oweeee" for 3 days and I kept him drugged on IBuProfen. After a week, he still wasn't walking. We got ANOTHER x-ray and they decided it still wasn't broken. But 2 weeks later, he just barely started walking on it and only with a limp. He looks so sad and heartbreaking, a tiny little boy limping around the house. Oh and also, while we were getting his follow up x-rays, the doctor thought it was a good idea (and so did I) to test him for Celiac's disease (gluten intolerance), since the boy won't eat hardly anything. We're still waiting on the results, but he did so good getting his blood drawn from his arm. Tough little guy.

Waiting to get x-rayed at the hospital.

So to top it all off, both of the boys have been sick all weekend, and Finn has gotten the worst of it with a nasty case of croup. We have been in the bathroom steaming all night for two nights in a row. It's awesome. I'm not tired at all. Poor guy. But on the bright side, Finn learned how to say "booger," which he pronounces "boo-gack." He likes to announce when he has a big one in his nose or better yet, running down his face. He's also watched us pour saline into Mason's nose and suck it out with a bulb syringe so many times that he now goes around with the Saline and tries to squirt it into our noses. He got to Mason one time before I could catch him and practically drowned the poor boy in saline. It was funny though, and really quite harmless.

Poor guy sleeping after getting his shots. Not a fun day for him.

Also, Mason turned 6 months on February 1st. I can't believe it. He is even closer to crawling and can easily army crawl across the floor. He is quite the spirited young chap and we love him to death. He is having surgery in a month and we're not looking forward to that but he is a strong boy and we know it will be ok.

Mason LOVES the tub. Cutest thing.

Lastly, I have to add that amidst the foot excitement and Mason trying to crawl and hence doing handstands and screaming all day, Gideon had to travel twice in the last week for job interviews. He went to Atlanta for 2 days and Seattle for one day. It was busy busy busy around here and mommy's patience is getting close to fried. I think I'll take a solo girls night out this week. :)

Gideon and Finn playing around with the iPhone

But I don't mean to sound like a sob story. We are blessed with a wonderful life and our tiny problems could be so much worse. Sometimes it's just nice to acknowledge that being a mom is hard and that I'm really really tired. All the time. That's it. I'm also really really happy. Only a smidgen grouchy. ;)

The Boys

My New Year's Resolution was to blog more. I'm not doing stellar but I am trying to get back in the habit. I feel like I am finally catching my breath after having Mason. Things sure are busier with two little boys just 17 1/2 months apart! We are loving (almost) every minute of it though. They are the best of friends already. Finn LOVES watching Mason and loves to tickle him, play with him and make him laugh. He calls Mason "Ma-moo." It's really adorable. Mason loves to laugh and watch Finn run around. Here is a little update on both boys.

Learning to sit up at Christmas

Mason-- He is turning 6 months on Friday. I can NOT believe it has gone by so fast. He is on the verge of crawling. He's been rolling since he was 4 months and has been really mobile with it. Finn never did that so it really caught me off guard to set him down and have him roll across the floor in about two seconds. He's been up on his knees rocking back and forth for a week or two now, and he's going to be full blown crawling any day. I think he is so anxious to attempt to keep up with his big brother. He loves jumping in his doorway hanging jumper thing (that's an official term). He is such a sweet, gentle natured, happy baby. He smiles at everyone and anyone (opposite of his big brother who is more of an introvert already). He especially loves his daddy and his brother. They make him laugh the most. He is loving solid foods, too. Pears with cinnamon is his favorite, although he's tried apple/blueberry, peach/pumpkin and sweet potato. He loves them all! He is getting so big so fast and I wish I knew how to slow it down.

Riding the motorcycle toy at the mall in Boise

Finn-- Our little boy isn't so little any more. He is such a wild little man! He will be 2 in a month, and I can hardly believe it. He loves climbing on my bed, jumping off of the couch, etc. He still loves his blankie aka "dee dee" though. He takes it everywhere and sticks his finger in the little corner fold. I think it's the cutest thing. He is usually super happy at home, in his familiar surroundings. He has a hard time with lots of new kids at once; he prefers things a little more quiet. Finn loves giving everyone kisses though, and sometimes gives them quite enthusiastically. He has to give everyone a kiss before naptime and bedtime. I can't resist a good kiss from my boy. We are so in love with his little (or should I say big) personality that is emerging faster than ever from our sweet boy. He loves to snuggle but also gets mad if you try to get him to hold still for too long. He is starting to do imaginative play (says "he-whoa" with his finger puppets, etc). It's so amazing to watch his little mind grow before our eyes. He is talking up a storm. He still has his own versions of many words, but he knows what he wants to say and can say it. He is also quite a fish. He would play in the bathtub all day if I let him. It's really nice because I usually put him in the tub and I can clean the entire bathroom while he plays in there. He is healthy and strong, in spite of the fact that he seems to be subsisting solely on whole milk, cheese, crackers and occasionally sliced turkey. I think he's hating eating because he is teething still. Finn has been staying in nursery the entire time that last few weeks too, which is so amazing. It kind of makes me sad almost, that he doesn't need me for two entire hours. But I suppose it's the way a parent is sad when their child goes to college or something- you are sad to lose them but so happy and proud that they're learning and growing (and let's face it, it's nice to have a little break during church). I'm so proud of my sweet little boy and the little person he is becoming.

We are living the life these days. Of course there are always things that we can find to complain about, but we truly are so very happy. We have a warm house and two healthy boys. We love each other and we love the Lord. I can't think of anything else that we really need to be happy; everything from here on out is just a bonus. The Lord has blessed us so much and we are so grateful.

I have been meaning to blog for a while now. One of my New Years resolutions was to blog more. I'm assuming this will force quantity over quality, but that's ok. It's the small things about our lives that I will look back on this blog and be happy to have them down on paper (or into cyberspace).

Let's kick off the new year with a few photos, shall we?

We love these two boys. We are so lucky to have them in our lives.

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

Finn stayed in nursery all by himself again today. I spent most of my time walking Mason up and down the hall, but let's face it. Mason wasn't fussy; I just had to peer into the window to spy on my little man. He did so great. Cried once or twice, only to be easily soothed by the sweet nursery leaders we have.

So Finn loves nursery. It's so great. He's becoming independent- that's what I've been trying to teach him from day one, right? Then why did I cry like a baby tonight after putting my sweet big boy to bed? I was sitting here tonight and it hit me like a freight train; the sickening, awful truth: my babies are going to grow up. One day he won't need me any more; at least not the way he does now. There are moments when the sheer knowledge of that fact takes my breath away. It makes my heart nearly stop. I want to hold my boys and lock ourselves in the pantry, away from time and change.

But then I think back on my life, and all of the beautiful, happy, wonderful experiences I've had. And how grateful I am to my parents for enabling me to experience life. And I think how incredibly filled with joy I am at the thought of giving that gift to my sweet boys. Although I am truly the one receiving the gift; being able to watch them grow; watch them assert themselves, form opinions, discovery things. I will watch them love, watch them be kind, watch them change the world.

But for now I am content to squeeze them every day. To watch Finn tickle Mason and give him kisses. Listen to Mason coo and giggle, trying to roll over only to get stuck on his arm. I'm happy to clean up all of Finn's peas that he's thrown on the kitchen floor, to clean up milk for the 17th time in one day, to lose so many hours of sleep. Some day Ill sleep soundly, only to wake up with a yearning for my little boy to hold out his arms and want nothing but to be held by his momma.

I love these little boys more than life itself. If the world could truly see their beauty, I'm pretty sure it would stop spinning for a moment. And maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing; an extra day with my babies. I'd take it.